NFL Quarterly Update

Football season is one quarter completed -- at least in the NFL. So I figured I toss my playoff predictions your way after watching significant football in the first four weeks, getting a grasp on potential contenders, sleepers and duds.

But before I get into my projections, let's talk about something that happened Saturday night. Nine of my friendly lady friends hosted a "Pitt Panther Pride Party," at which Panther fans showed up with their gear on in support of Pitt football.

The party filled their house with people. I have to admit, I didn't recognize many of them, and by midnight or so, I was too drunk to really care. But sometime after midnight, one of the girls came downstairs to the door, where I had taken up shop collecting dough for kids coming in.

She announced something I'd never forget: someone had defecated in their bathtub. Yes, defecated. Pooped. Launched a dookie rocket. Now obviously, it was a guy. Girls don't poop -- especially in other girls' bathtubs. So we assume it was one of the random dudes there.

Now hear me -- any person on the Pitt campus known to be harboring, aiding or abetting a member of al-Crappa will be punished. Severely. The girls at McKee and their large circle of friends will not sleep under Defecata bin Crappen is found.

Anyway, let's talk about the NFL. I will offer this disclaimer -- my picks will clearly be only half right. I'm going to catch a lot of heat for what I say about certain teams in certain cities where yours truly currently resides.

AFC's Top Two:
Indianapolis 14-2; The Colts are the best regular season team in the NFL. But as long as Manning is quarterback, I have a hard time saying they'll make any runs in the playoffs. Yet they are so hard to pick against in the regular season.
San Diego 12-4; Despite Sunday's loss to the Ravens in Baltimore, I still like the Chargers D and LaDanian Tomlinson. This offense will be quality all season and its going to be real tough to win in San Diego.

AFC's Other Two Division Winners:
New England 11-5; The Patriots will play more like the team we saw in Cincinnati than the team we saw in the first few games. Brady finally has a go-to receiver picked out and the two-headed monster of Corey Dillon and Laurence Maroney will wear out opponents week in and week out.
Cincinnati 11-5; Yeah, yeah. You're wondering where I've got the Ravens if they aren't winning the AFC North. Call me crazy, but I still have faith that the Bengals are the team to beat in the division. I don't think they will be the Super Bowl contenders that everyone said they'd be (including me) before the season unless Carson Palmer returns fully to his old self and the Bengals D actually stops the run.

AFC Wild Card:
Baltimore Ravens 10-6; The Ravens still have a brutal schedule in front of them. And I can't quite point my finger on it, but there's just something about Steve McNair that makes me throw up in mouth -- maybe the fact that he's more beat up than a West Virginia girl (low blow?).
Jacksonville Jaguars 10-6; The Jags defense is physical. They've hit some tough games at Indy and Washington the past two weeks, but I like the schedule down the stretch -- it's easier than a Penn State girl. They will defend their way to a lot of victory.

Yeah, sorry bud, No Dice:
Pittsburgh 9-7; In their division with their schedule, nine wins might be stretching it. I can't give Ben Roethlisberger the benefit of the doubt because he just doesn't look comfortable. The real test will be in San Diego Sunday. Roethlisberger will have had two weeks of rest and practice to really get things in order, and practicing against a great defense like Pittsburgh's helps.
New York Jets 8-8; Give the Jets one season under Eric Mangini before we expect them to challenge for the AFC East title. In the meantime, they'll rustle some feathers (see: Indianapolis 31, New York Jets 28) and make a run at the wild card spots.
Denver Broncos 9-7; The defense looks really good. They have such a difficult schedule that I have a hard time giving them a playoff spot. I don't think they can handle the Chargers or even the Chiefs on the road. And I don't like the offense.

The NFC's Top Two:
Chicago 13-3; I just looked through their schedule and couldn't find a game that they can't win. The defense is absolutely incredible. The offense is suddenly capable with a healthy Rex Grossman. Add Thomas Jones, a serviceable back with some experience, and the Bears are the best team in the NFL.
Seattle Seahawks 12-4; I'm not falling off the bandwagon yet. The loss against the Bears was alarming, but not bad enough to drop them into the next category. They are still the team everyone is gunning for in the NFC. And when Shaun Alexander comes back, they will be ready to make a run.

NFC's Other Division Winners:
Atlanta 11-5; The Falcons have the defense and the running attack to wear down opponents. This division is the most competitive around, with Carolina and New Orleans challenging for the top spot. But I have trouble seeing Hotlanta go anywhere once the playoffs begin.
Philadelphia 11-5; The Eagles are good. Donovan McNabb looks really fantastic so far. As long as he stays healthy and keeps connecting with Donte' "Why the Apostrophe?" Stallworth, they will be dangerous downfield. The defense beats people up. The only problem is the difficulty of the division will tax Philly into a few losses.

NFC Wild Card:
Carolina 10-6; I can't pick against them after the last two games. They have two running backs that offer dangerous breakout threats and a defense that pressures any quarterback. I'm not on the Super Bowl Bandwagon like everyone else, but they are a good team.
Dallas 10-6; The Eagles main contention for the NFC East. The only problem, as was the problem for the Pats and Bills in years past, is Drew Bledsoe. I don't like him as a player, or should I say a statue?

Well this is awkward, but you guys didn't make it, sooo I guess we'll see you later;
New Orleans 9-7; The Saints will need one more season, I think, to crash the playoffs. They are the feel-good story in the NFL, but I don't trust their defense.
Washington Redskins 9-7; Mark Brunell always looks better when Clinton Portis is running, but still, the 'Skins will need a lot to take on Dallas and Philly.
Minnesota Vikings 8-8; I like the Vikes, but they don't possess the offense to get things done against a really tough schedule.
St. Louis 8-8; Marc Bulger -- need I say more?

AFC Championship Game:
San Diego over Indianapolis

NFC Championship Game:
Chicago over Seattle

Chicago over San Diego in Super Bowl XLI. There you have it. Check back with me if you've found Defecata bin Crappen.