Lucky number...FIve?!?!

It was supposed to be the biggest night in recent Celtics history. The night where a ping-pong ball with the Celtics logo found its way into the hands of whoever runs the NBA Draft Lottery.

Then we'd hear the most beautiful sequence of sentences...

"The third pick goes to...the Milwaukee Bucks..."

"The second pick goes to...the Memphis Grizzlies..."

"The first pick in the 2007 NBA Draft will go to...the Boston Celtics..."

But on Tuesday night, somewhere between 8:30 and 9 Eastern Standard Time, some stooge pulled up the envelope. The envelope contained a little card with a team's logo on it. The envelope signified the fifth pick in the 2007 NBA Draft. Essentially, the envelope contained a pick three slots away from a soon-to-be superstar, a sure fit for one of the future greatest players of all-time -- Greg Oden or Kevin Durant, to be precise.

The envelope contained a card with the Boston Celtics logo.

The Acopalypse is upon us.

God hates the NBA.

More importantly, God hates the Celtics and Celtics fans.

But I actually started thinking about it -- after the throw up descended back down my throat, after I regained consciousness, after I received three phone calls and at least five instant messages complaining about the Lottery -- and I'm almost not worried.

Almost.

And I might get my head cut off by my friends from home. I am, luckily, safely in Pittsburgh. For now, anyway.

But if you look at the top 15 in this year's Draft, the list is pretty nice. Heck, if you peruse who could still be available at No. 5, you might not be too, too worried.

After all, there are options.

Let's talk trade
Well, Portland needs a proven veteran to lead the crop of great, young players: Rookie of the Year Brandon Roy is teamed up with developing starlet LaMarcus Aldridge, post powerhouse Zach Randolph and promising point Jarrett Jack. What do they need?

A proven veteran who plays on the wing.

Insert Paul Pierce. Dangle Pierce and the No. 5 pick for Portland's top pick, and the Celtics can pick Oden or Durant to be the face of the franchise. The contractual issues will be a problem. But I think some kind of trade will be on the table, and, as much as I love Pierce, it's definitely worth considering.

Call me Al
Did you watch the NCAA Championship? Did you see the 6-10 beast on Florida's block wearing out the Ohio State defense? Yeah, he's Al Horford. And he might be available at No. 5.

Think about it...

At the point, Rajon Rondo and Delonte West can handle things.

On the wings, the C's have Paul Pierce (obviously), Wally Szczerbiak (please, be healthy), Gerald Green and Tony Allen.

In the post, Ryan Gomes and Kendrick Perkins can be great off the bench, rebounding the ball and defending well. And in the starting lineup, Horford and Al Jefferson can rock the blocks with the best of the young talent in the game.

I guess what I'm saying is, I want Horford.

I want him in green. He will develop. He is NBA ready. And he doesn't have the nagging injury problems Oden struggles with or the I've-never-touched-a-weight frame of Durant.

Maybe I'm rationalizing. But maybe I'm right. We'll find out June 28.

Western Conference Preview

I know it's not the 1-2 matchup everyone wanted. The Mavs are gone. The Suns were defeated in six games by David Stern and the NBA (it was a great series!). The Warriors sputtered out faster than Rick Santorum's political career.

But have faith.

For the Jazz are not all that bad. Maybe Utah can send San Antonio back to Texas, where boring is acceptable.

(Oh, slam.)

Really, this series might actually be one that we can thoroughly enjoy. Heck, it could go seven games.

Boozehounding
Carlos Boozer, much like LeBron James in the Eastern Conference Finals, could be the deciding factor in how this series plays out. If Boozer continues his playoff dominance -- 24.4 points, 12.2 rebounds per game -- he could will the Jazz back to the Finals.

But the Spurs aren't a small, running offense without a post presence like the Warriors. The Spurs will work their mechanical offense, feeding Tim Duncan the ball every possession while Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili slash to the basket and three-point shooters spot up.

The question is, can Boozer still score and operate as efficiently as he has over the last two series with Duncan covering him?

In three games against the Spurs this year (Boozer sat out the Spurs-Jazz game on Jan. 31), Boozer averaged 16.7 points and 11 rebounds a game. He attempted 15 free throws in three games.

That's not enough. He has to do more. And if he doesn't, the Jazz are in trouble.

Playing Hot Potato
The Jazz have seven or eight guys who want to score. They have five guys who want the ball in crunch time. And they have a point guard who, paired with Boozer, could tear down the Spurs in this series. But can the Jazz get everybody touches, keep people hot and make some big shots?

The Victory Manu(al)
Manu Ginobili, as much as I hate saying this, had a great series against the Suns. And if he is a consistent scorer off the bench in this series, that might be too much for the Jazz. If he gets into the paint, gets the calls and finds his niche, Ginobili can cause matchup problems and rip holes in defenses.

The Shakedown
I wish I could say that the Jazz will win this series confidently. But I honestly can't even muster up the courage to get it on my tongue, let alone spit it out.

The Spurs are too good. Duncan and company will not allow Boozer to dominate the lane like he did against the Warriors and that should all but stop the music in this series.

The Jazz win if Boozer can find a way to beat Duncan head to head and Deron Williams uses his size advantage on Tony Parker. If the role players are hitting their shots, the Jazz can be a lethal team at critical spots in games.

But I know the Spurs are the Robots That Can. And they will.

Spurs in seven.

Eastern Conference Finals Preview

I was served a piping plate of humiliation last night, courtesy of the San Antonio Spurs.

The San Antonio Yawn Machine continued its uneventful run in the NBA Playoffs with a dominating win over the disgruntled and exhausted Phoenix Suns to win the series 4-2.

The victory came hours after I wrote that the Suns would win back-to-back games and make the Western Conference Finals.

Silly me.

But let's do a preview of both series.

We have Cavs-Pistons in the East, with Detroit hosting games one, two, five and seven.

In the West, it's the Utah Jazz and the San Antonio Robots (er, Spurs), with the Spurs hosting games one, two, five and seven.

LeBron vs. Detroit's help D: who ya got?
The Eastern Conference Finals have some interesting matchups:

Rasheed Wallace
Chris Webber
Tayshaun Prince LeBron James
Richard Hamilton
Chauncey Billups

Who will guard James?

Last year, Bron-Bron almost single-handedly beat the Pistons. Check out his series statline in seven games against the Pistons last year:

26.6 ppg, 8.4 rpg, 6 apg, 46 mpg, 44% FG, 28% 3-pt., 73% FT, 4.4 topg

Just great numbers.Notice the last three stats, though?

28% 3-point shooting, 73% free-throw shooting, 4.4 turnovers per game

Not great. In fact, Bron-Bron probably shouldn't shoot a 3-pointer unless three unique situations present themselves:

1) He is wide open. And I mean wide, wide open. If the closest Piston is within eight feet, Bron-Bron isn't open.
2) The Cavs are down three points with less than five seconds left. I say five because with the clock hovering around 10 seconds, LeBron should get to the basket and get a layup, dunk or foul shots. Then the Cavs foul. Then he does it again.
3) If he has enough magnets put back on his hands after losing some of them. But David Blaine says only Anderson Varejao carries them, so if Anderson isn't on the floor, Bron-Bron shouldn't pull a 3.

Look, every writer and their grandmother has written this before and I'll stress it here: LeBron should be able to get to the rim every time he touches the ball.

In the case of the Pistons, LeBron will be facing a great team defense. If you watched the Bulls-Pistons series, you saw what was ultimately a locked-down lane and very little space for the Bulls to work with. That means LeBron will have to play a little more attention to detail.

And he has teammates, too.

They can do him a favor by cutting, getting to the blocks or understanding the floor's spacing. When LeBron gets into the paint, the Pistons will probably collapse on him. Whether collapse means a help defender or three is dependent on the situation. But there will also be someone open when LeBron is driving to the basket if the Cavs' spacing is done well.

I worry about LeBron's teammates hitting their shots. I really do. LeBron is going to have to put up even better numbers than he did in last year's Eastern Conference semifinals.

He might need to put on a cape first, but if he can finagle 30 points, 10 rebounds and 10 assists a game, the Cavs might have a shot.

Might have a shot.

He will also have to shoot closer to 50 percent from the field, avoid shooting 3s, shoot foul shots at a better clip and avoid turning the ball over.

These are not easy tasks for Bron-Bron. Especially with his reportedly banged up knee and struggling (and pregnant) girlfriend.

But if he can distribute the ball, get into the lane and get to the next level of superstardom, LeBron might not single-handedly almost beat Detroit.

He might just beat them after all.

Webber + Wallace = Ws?
If these guys establish themselves in the paint, it'll be tough for the Cavs' D to single out Prince, Hamilton and Billups on the perimeter. But Webber had a terrible series against the Bulls and 'Sheed has to watch his temper ('Sheed? Nawww.)

And Drew Gooden and Zydrunas Ilgauskas aren't slouches. Gooden might be the Cavs' X-Factor when all is said and done.

Who is guarding who?
With LeBron and Sasha Pavlovic both being taller small forwards, who do you let Pavlovic guard? He plays worse defense than me. That means either Rip Hamilton or Tayshaun Prince will eat up the Cavs. It also means that LeBron will have to play 45-plus minutes, working hard on both ends of the floor, every possession.

Will that be too much for Baby Bron-Bron?

The Shakedown
The Pistons know the Cavs aren't afraid of them. Cleveland played Detroit to the brink, leading last year's postseason meeting 3-2 before the Pistons shut down the Cavs offense and won in seven games.

But the Pistons' help defense might be just enough to slow LeBron and sputter the Cavs' offense. And that should make the difference in the series, because LeBron can't guard the entire Pistons lineup and score every point. Nor can he handle 48 minutes per game over seven games. It's too much. It's up to his teammates to prove us all wrong.

Pistons in six.

Burnt by the Commish, the Suns' playoff hopes are fading

I'm ready to blame NBA Commish David Stern personally for the Suns' exit from the playoffs. As if you haven't read it everywhere else, the NBA stuck to its rule on players leaving the bench during an on-court scuffle.

I understand the rule. I understand the precedent. And I definitely understand the logic.

I also am fully aware of the NBA's continuous problem controlling its' on-floor scuffling problem and the egg shells Stern walks on everytime he tries to make a decision about suspensions. The NBA deals with the racism question everyday, something few other professional leagues around here deal with.

And yet, Stern missed the suspension that would've made Wednesday's Game Five fair.

Tim Duncan, the NBA's Most Boring Player, left the bench after "Cisco" Elson took a spill in Game Four. Cisco swung around the rim after an emphatic, meaningless dunk and straddled the shoulders of a Suns player. He plummeted to the floor face first. The Spurs' bench freaked out.

And Duncan walked on the floor.

Suspension?

No. Of course not.

So the Spurs got another favor from the NBA, even after Bruce Bowen's repeated attempts to murder several NBA stars, Manu Ginobili's unbelievably annoying flops reminiscent of Reggie Miller and Gregg Popovich's unending reign as the NBA's ugliest human being (yeah, he just edged out the prettiest non-human, Rocky the Mountain Lion, the Nuggets' mascot, in the most recent rankings).

Seriously, have you watched Ginobili? You move within one foot of the guy and he bounces around on the floor like a fish gasping for air.

But still, the Spurs beat out Steve Nash, Raja Bell, Shawn Marion and your 2002-2003 Thomas Jefferson High School Wildcats.

Gasp. It must've been really tough! Watching Kurt Thomas guard Duncan is like watching your 60-year-old dad try to prove he can still beat you at something. Lots of agonizing demolition.

I like the Suns in Game Six. And Game Seven. Not for any big, logical reason. I like them because I want them to win more than anything I've wanted recently, and that includes several tempting sightings of Krispy Kreme products.

Will you watch the Pistons-Cavs series?

Didn't think so.

How about Jazz-Spurs?

Still nothing.

But would you watch any series involving the Suns for the rest of the playoffs?

Point made.

So let's hope the unfair decision by Stern doesn't cost the Suns another playoff series. Unfortunately, I have a feeling it will.

Um, go Jazz?

There comes a time...

... in the life of every sports nut in the world that may or may not generate the greatest epiphany of all.

You constantly check fantasy stats or your favorite team on your cell phone while your girlfriend (or boyfriend, no excluding the lady sports nuts) sits impatiently waiting for you to talk.

You pine over the major blow your NFL team suffered when its backup right tackle is released.

You get excited over a four-star recruit signed by your school's basketball team.

You make a Mickey Morandini joke.

You ramble off the starting lineup of the 1992-1993 Boston Celtics, awkwardly mutter a reference to Thurman Thomas or laugh at your own pathetic Rob Deer joke.

But no one else laughs. Maybe the crickets respond. But only if the rubbing of their wings symbolizes a response.

Face it, buddy. You are a sports nerd.

There's nothing wrong with it. But really, clean the confectionary sugar from the miniature powdered doughnut you devoured during the fourth inning of the Royals-Devil Rays game off your battered polo shirt.

There are a few ways to counter this problem:

1) Spend a weekend without watching any sports.

-- After recent completion of my third year at Pitt, I spent six days in Denver. The only sporting event I even sniffed was the Rockies-Braves game. It was perfect. I watched countless MTV reality shows, the TBS early evening lineup and ate lots of ice cream. I went out to eat with my dad almost every night and chewed on politics, current events and American foreign policy.

In other words, try to think about other things than sports. Separate yourself. You might learn something. Maybe even about yourself.

2) Don't manage a fantasy team for a season.

-- That way, you won't be worrying about JJ Putz or Charlie Bell. And you won't be scribbling stats on a napkin at a restaurant. If anything, there won't be any time spent figuring Scott Olsen's WHIP.

3) Talk to your friends about something other than sports.

-- Shoot the breeze at a bar or in your living room. Talk about the ugly girl in your friend's economics class. Try to talk about current events or some sweet beer you recently drank. Talk about anything other than Barry Bonds.

It's not necessarily bad to be a sports nerd. I mean, if you want, you can bloviate about sports when you can barely throw a baseball 10 feet until you're blue in the face. A lot of people do it. Heck, small papers in the middle of Pennsylvania might hire you to write a blog for them.

But if you want to fit into society, try one of three things I mentioned and maybe, just maybe, you can at least hide the sports nerd in you.

What was that? Sorry, I was sleeping

I fell asleep during that last Spurs possession. Is anyone else getting sick of Tim Duncan -- the NBA's Albert Pujols -- and the Spurs -- the NBA's St. Louis Cardinals?

Think about it -- Duncan is the most boring star in the NBA's highest tier of superstars. He uses the backboard. He casually dunks, if he has to. He just posts up and scores. He is quiet. He hardly makes the news -- save for the random incident with referee Joey Crawford.

He is the most boring basketball player on the planet. Yet he has three championships and three NBA Finals MVP awards. He has two NBA MVP awards. He's played in nine All-Star games. He's made eight All-NBA teams. And he's made nine All-Defensive teams.

He has the resume of one of the greatest players of all-time. He will go down as probably one of the top five post men in NBA history.

But when you're grandkid asks who the greatest players of your generation were, you might not get to him right away. You'll say Michael Jordan, LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade, Shaq, heck, maybe even Allen Iverson. Then, when you flip through Kevin Garnett, Yao Ming, Tracy McGrady, Carmelo Anthony, Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash, you'll slip in Tim Duncan. You'll describe him as a fundamental player. A player who if you weren't careful, would score 30 points, grab 20 rebounds and block five shots.

But he was always like that "conventional" background the guys picked in their elementary school photos -- nothing out of the ordinary.

And let's face it -- Pujols is the same. He plays for an old school team in the middle of the country, like Duncan. He is wedged in between a group of bunting, stealing, fielding players. He might have the most dangerous bat in baseball.

But when your kids say, "Daddy, who was the greatest player of your generation?" You'll respond with A-Rod, Clemens, Bonds or David Ortiz.

Then you'll chime in with some more guys -- Vlad Guerrero, Manny Ramirez, Pedro Martinez, Derek Jeter, Randy Johnson. And you'll find Pujols in there somewhere.

Pujols has a World Series ring, one NL MVP, five trips to the All-Star Game, 256 home runs, 775 RBIs and a career .330 batting average in just six-plus Major League Baseball seasons.

And he's only 27.

But the point is this: Duncan and Pujols are boring. They never say anything worthwhile. They always put up the same numbers the same way. Their teams are always successful by playing boring styles. They are always in the thick of a title race.

And they are the most boring superstars in their sports.

So, as much as Duncan is arguably the best big man in the NBA right now, I have no desire to see the Spurs beat the high-flying, slamma-jamma Suns.

I want the Suns to score 120 points every game. I want the Suns to win the NBA Title.

And I sure don't want the Cardinals to repeat.

Bronx Fairy Tale?
-- Roger Clemens is headed back to the Yankees. In other news, the Yankees might break .500 this year after all.

Launch canceled in Houston
The Rockets choked in the big game -- again. Now we get to see the Jazz and Warriors square off. The Jazz have a little more depth than the Rockets, so that might spell the end of the Warriors' run. But then again, the Mavericks had a lot of depth, experience and certainly talent. And where are they?

Van Jobless
Jeff Van Gundy appears to be out as the Rockets' coach. He's 182-146 in Houston. He's also 7-12 in the playoffs. In four seasons, Van Gundy coached the Rockets to three playoff berths and three first-round losses.

Am I surprised? No. Can the Rockets do better with another coach? Well, first they'll need some players to help T-Mac and Yao. And of course, we'll keep a tab on free agents and potential draft selections.

Nice chip-covered shirt
Thanks. I've thoroughly enjoyed eating chips, drinking Dr. Pepper and chatting sports with you. See you soon.

More from the smothering heat of Pittsburgh

The humidity in this former industrial city wraps around your arms with each step, forcing sweat in the most stationary activities.

It's awful.

But still, the roundball world is spinning like the backspin on a Mark Price foul shot. And I'm eating an unbelievable meatball sandwich from Fuel and Fuddle.

One of the previous sentences was useless information. I write, you decide.

Anyway, the Warriors finished off the Mavericks last night in a shocking first-round upset in the NBA playoffs. And yes, it was shocking. Yes, it was a HUGE upset.

The big names on Golden State -- Baron Davis, Stephen Jackson and Jason Richardson -- finally put together performances to get Golden State rolling. It started over the Warriors final 10-12 games or so, and has continued through the first round of the playoffs.

Most people probably think whoever wins the Jazz-Rockets series will cruise to the Western Conference Finals. And most people probably think whoever wins the Suns-Spurs series is headed to the NBA Finals.

Think again.

I like the Warriors against both the Jazz and the Rockets. Sure, both the Jazz and the Rockets play a significantly different style than the Warriors -- slow it down, pound it inside and beat the opponent up -- which is why that series is headed to the seventh game. But the Warriors, if effective enough in another long series, can shock and awe opponents with their quick-moving attack.

If anything, it won't be easy for the Jazz or Rockets to topple the Warriors. As if you needed me telling you that.

Nonetheless, I still like the high-octane offense of the Suns to take the West. I picked the Mavs to win it, for obvious reasons, but without them around, the Suns (hopefully, for the sake of the playoffs being interesting) will get past the Spurs.

In the East, the top three teams have already won their series. And I like the Bulls against the Pistons. I think the Bulls have what it takes to topple the World's Most Boring Team.

The Cavs will have trouble with the Nets or the Raptors. And frankly, I don't think it matters which of these three teams wins this Eastern Conference semifinal because the Bulls and Pistons are the top teams.

Sorry, Bron-Bron.

Theus headed to the NBA?
-- Reggie Theus interviewed for the Charlotte job. No, not the UNC-Charlotte job. The Charlotte Bobcats job. And he has the experience, according to ESPN's Andy Katz, to lead an NBA club.

Oh, and did I mention Sacramento and Indiana are interested in Theus, too?

As you know by now, Theus coaches New Mexico State. The Aggies made the 2007 NCAA Tournament as a 13 seed and finished 25-9. NM State pushed Texas in the first round.

Theus coached alongside Rick Pitino at Louisville for two seasons before taking the job at New Mexico State.

In his first season at New Mexico State, Theus turned the Aggies around: the season prior to Theus' hiring, NM State was 6-24. Theus coached his new team to a 16-14 finish, a 10-game turnaround.

After winning nine more games than his first season and making the Big Dance, Theus landed a five-star recruit in Aliquippa's own Herb Pope. That brings me to my next question: if Theus bolts for bucks, will Pope rethink his enrollment?

Move 'em out, move 'em back
The NCAA rules committee is moving the three-point line back to 20 feet, nine inches. But the committee decided not to expand the lane. Yet.

This is a good decision by the NCAA. I think 3-point shooting is starting to get a little ridiculous in college hoops. Don't get me wrong, I love the 3-pointer. As a player, all I was ever really capable of doing was hitting 3s. Needless to say I rarely hit any shots.

In fact, if I coached a team, I'd hope to stack my lineup with at least four or five guys who can shoot the 3. Not just occasionally step out and drop a trey. I mean my team would shoot 30-40 3s a game.

But that's not the point.

Studies have shown that the increased distance, which was tested at several preseason tournaments, has little effect on the shooting percentages from deep. So, what's the big deal? I just hope it discourages bumbling power forwards from trying to expand their game.

More on this when the Playing Rules Oversight Committee makes the final decision on May 25.

You Know This...

The NCAA banned coaches from text messaging recruits in its newest change of recruiting rules two weeks ago. I'm late on this topic, but I mentioned it in passing when the first news of it popped it. And I guess there's really only one thing I have to say about it, and Jim Calhoun said it perfectly when asked about the ban: no one has gotten a player through text messaging.

Still, the biggest problem with the messages is that they cost money to send and receive. College coaches make six figures. High school basketball players (officially) make maybe four figures over a summer if they have any time to work. And I know the people paying their phone bills probably never liked the 50-plus dollars rolling in each month.

I can see why coaches like text messaging. Obviously it's a quick way to contact a kid. And most kids, if you don't mind me using myself as an example, carry their phones with them all the time.

-- Another rule was approved by the NCAA yesterday. It increased the number of core courses -- which I assume means math, English, social studies, science and physical education -- required for incoming college freshmen from 14 to 16.

-- Mississippi State's Jamont Gordon decided to stay in school. The 6-4 junior-t0-be has significantly improved in each of his first two seasons with the Bulldogs. Expect him to keep developing and help M-State push for an SEC crown.

-- Iowa State was docked two scholarships. Its basketball players failed to meet the minimum academic requirements three years in a row. Does that surprise anyone? This is a school that produced Curtis Stinson, Marcus Fizer and, this is the kicker, Jamaal Tinsley.

-- I'm now taking bets on how soon Rick Majerus will crumble to the hardwood at Saint Louis. And I don't mean fail as a coach.

-- Spencer Hawes needs another year at Washington. He needs to add about 15-20 pounds of muscle and develop his repertoire of post moves.

-- Might as well include Brandan Wright to the list of kids who need to add some muscle.

Oh, and my last parting shot, Michael Jordan's son, Jeffrey Jordan is going to Illinois. In related news, set to be published sometime in 2012, Jeffrey Jordan graduated from Illinois averaging one minute per non-conference game.